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Some Candy Talking – 4

     Autumn fell. It fell like the leaves fall. Like the leaves fall as they wilfully cast themselves from the tree. Casting off. They are casting off into the darkness of the unknown. Casting off as if they were that scarf, unfinished and forgotten. It had been hand-knitted with all that care and with all that attention. Purloined idea. Purled and ribbed. The endless clicking of the needles. That shameful habit, can you look me in the eye. As if one is only addicted to the feeling of eternity and, yet, not knowing how to finish as to finish would mean the end and surely it just can’t end this way.

     There is so much more, so much to give.

     I don’t want to go home. See … it is so nice now. Just watching the water, just watching the waves as they are joggling up and down in the stillness by the breakwaters. It is endless, almost.

     No. Don’t make me have to do those things. Don’t make me have to crawl. It hurts inside of me to have to smile and laugh so much. Don’t make me … don’t touch me … don’t come close … bury your face in the dirt – look down not up, this is what we want. Always falling and not rising – look down. Into the depths we go. The darkness is all around. We will fall. Go down to the place where we fear to tread and fix a smile to show that all is well. All is well even if your feet are aching and are being cut to ribbons. Shredded. Spilling blood, deadening the pain. Numb two three. Smile through that pain. Smile through the pain to let everyone know that all is well. The pain, it hurts – you feel all of the agony, it makes you sick to your stomach, it just won’t stop – but keep smiling. Yes, I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m ok as the emotions are now roaring in full flow, flooding, and all but drowning us. Yes, I’m fine, you smile, I can smile … fearing to speak in case we let go and scream, forever, and tell the whole world the truth. Endless … it is endless and you just know that it will never ever end.

     Breaking up – hold on, hold on tight, grip the rope until your hands and fingers are rigid, paralysed in fear … and focus. There. Now. Grip it. One point – see it, hold it, slowly breathe … there … and then the calm … there, falling, it washes away, dissolving, ebbing away and receding back to the past. The forgotten man.

     The smile is now stronger, even the eyes are trying to smile as well. They are trying but are they failing. Yet, even now, when the darkness lies at rest the shadows lurk beneath the horizon, the unutterable word is that it will all soon come again … unbidden, and only time will tell.


     The rain comes down like waves of america.